This week I found some precious stuff to pack in my baggage. I found myself plonked down half-way across the world by one of those incredible metal birds that often transport you to pastures new. Sometimes, however, they transport you to a place you’ve been before. A place that is full of ghosts from your past. Pain that you manage to bury in your normal life thousands of miles away suddenly finds you here. But so does joy – the beauty of re-establishing connections and building new ones. And that’s where I was. In a place I used to reluctantly call home, somewhere I never chose for myself, but that fate chose for me. I hated it once but now I try to see it for the good it brought to my life. It can’t possess me anymore. I belong somewhere else and this place only borrowed me for a while. It has taken a long time of growing older to give me this perspective, but I am thankful to have found peace with it all.
Here, in this beautiful place of oceans and mountains, I found light. Sunlit skies of electric blue against tall trees. Living in a place which, while it is beautiful and green, also has incredibly grey skies for much of the time makes me crave the blue and the light.
I was so aware of my senses – revelling in the warmth on my skin, the light breeze, my feet on the rocks in icy cold water, the sound of the float planes as they swooped around me, the waves cascading over my feet as they dug into the cool sand, long forgotten flavours – Maple syrup, how different Canadian bread tastes to ours. Remember all of this, I told myself as I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, trying to retain the memories.
While my trip was difficult and focused in part on resolving a tough family situation, I found golden treasures in amongst the worry and sadness. I was shown, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the unwavering love and support of a beloved Aunty and Uncle who counselled me, held my hand and put their arms around me, both literally and figuratively speaking. I will never forget the sacrifices they made for me throughout what has been not only a challenging trip but an incredibly difficult few years.
I was re-united with a dear friend who was once like a mother to me. We worked together in a different lifetime, and she was an inspiration! She was funny, clever, kind and loving. She would burst into silly songs in the middle of our office, had an imaginary friend that she blamed whenever anything went missing or went wrong yet she was wise and offered me good advice many times. She was my confidante and friend. Most importantly she loved me like a daughter.
She is frail now and forgetful but, in the midst of it all, she appeared with all the fire and sincerity in her eyes that I remember so well. She looked at me pointedly in the middle of our small talk and said, “you enjoy every minute of your life because, before you know it, this will be you.” I was painfully aware of the passing years. She asked me how long it had been since we had seen each other. To my shame, I had to admit that it had been nineteen years. “How did that happen?” she asked earnestly. I could only answer that I didn’t know and that the years had just slipped away but it saddened me enormously. How much had we missed of this precious friendship in those nineteen years?
Out of the blue, she looked me right in the eyes and said, “I’m so glad you came to see me because I have always held you in my heart.” Tears fall as I write this. What an honour to always be held in someone’s heart. Today I sent her a little heart that tells her she is always in mine. It can never make up for those lost nineteen years, but I hope it lets her know what she means to me.
A visit to another dear friend brought similar joy. She moved to Canada for love many years ago and that love remains, having gone through a metamorphosis over the years into something enduring and beautiful. We’re part of a family, not joined by blood or genetics, but bound by our shared history. That fiery hair of hers, such a strong feature. She has a smile that lights up the room and a generosity of spirit that makes her want to share everything she has with anyone she can. We chatted as if we had seen each other yesterday. I knew when I left her we would probably only keep in touch with a message now and then but she, like my aforementioned friend, will live in my heart forever. She gave me a necklace when she greeted me on this trip and every time I put it on I feel her with me. Another piece of light to take from my travels.
My extended family has become so precious in the face of adversity. I have been supported and cared for by cousins who have shown me real kindness, offered me practical help and support at a time when I have needed it. Not only that, but they have also listened, advised and kept me laughing when that was so needed too. Those people probably have no idea what their kindness means to me and, although I have tried to express it to them, the words don’t seem like enough. I carry their love and support with me now.
I walked miles on this trip, gazing at that beautiful mountainous backdrop and appreciating that I was always surrounded by water, the best tonic for this Piscean soul. I wandered down streets, their names so familiar but so far in the past – Granville, Burrard, Davie, Hastings, West Georgia. I walked to English Bay and smiled at the statues of the laughing people. How can anyone look at that and not smile? The sun beating down, I paddled in the cool, clear water of the Pacific. I breathed deeply and let the tears fall. I had survived this trip that I was so afraid of. I knew that I was stronger and more at peace than I had been in a very long time. I would travel home lighter, freer.
As well as gratitude for my newfound peace, I will pack into my baggage friendships and family bonds that will sustain me, even when I am far away. I’ll treasure the laughter shared with them – the in-jokes that only close people can share with a glance, the belly laughs that bring such release. I will pack the feel of the cool Pacific on my feet, that beautiful blue sky and the light of those sunny days. I’ll remember the wind in my hair in the convertible with the top down, the nostalgia of walking and driving down memory lane with a soulmate and, in the words of Fairground Attraction, just for a moment, life will be Perfect.
Baggage 